I can not believe how horrible I feel! I know that I've been doing this a long time, and my body is screaming at me...my head aches, I feel lethargic, my body feels ill...I am coming off the sugar high from Halloween. Why do I do this to myself?
My daughter and I have been holding up the mirrors for one another the last couple of days. She is irritating me. Nothing she does is right. She isn't taking care of herself or her responsibilities. She just wants to laze about daydreaming or reading! It also happens that this is exactly what I am doing. I am looking at this. Painful though it may be to see myself this way, I am going deeper down into this. I am not going to make judgements about it, because then I feel the need to connect positive or negative emotions to the behavior and they are already rampant here. I am just noticing and watching and waiting to see... what happens next?
Loving me now is important. Something happens when I hear myself crying out, see my behavior deteriorate to disrespect for myself or others... I am jolted, moved deeply by a wave of compassion, a quaking of love that penetrates these deep wounds and that part of me that is surfacing and calling out to the world, "Heal me." If I don't do it, who will?
I've been looking at the world around me and my heart has been aching as the Earth cries out to us, "HEAL ME! LOVE ME!" and these are cries of desperation that I hear. How can I heal her, if I don't even know how to heal myself? I keep wondering what I need to do differently? I am sure that healing myself and healing the Earth are connected. I am journeying, plunging down deeper into myself to ask the questions that must be asked, knowing that the answers will seep into my soul. I don't yet know what the change will look like, but it's coming.
